Archives for December 2017 | Kelly Inselmann

Having it All

March 25, 2024December 31, 2017 by Kelly Inselmann

To grasp the world more fully, one must grasp it gently. (Aharonov & Rohrlich)

“There’s so much I still want to accomplish! I want to write a book, and move forward on all my goals,” says Annabelle in my office this week. Her formerly black hair is growing back slowly, a steel gray, wiry texture I can see, now that her headscarf is gone.

She feels weak and fatigued, and has trouble organizing her schedule because of chemobrain from treatment and early chemically induced menopause. She’s fatigued and just beginning to understand the effects of treatment on her body and mind. But today she has no patience for herself: “I feel like I’m just being lazy. I’ve already lost time being sick. No more excuses!”

Last week, her perspective was different: “I want to do more meditation because it centers me and helps me remember to be more loving towards myself and my family. I know it’s ok for me to rest and heal. I’ve been through a lot. I’ve been so grateful for each moment and I just want to be present and open to how life is unfolding.”

Annabelle is facing the dilemma many cancer patients and survivors face and that I deeply relate to as well. Facing the reality of her own mortality in a new way, she understandably wants to make every moment count and accomplish outstanding goals. On the other hand, she wants to breathe in each precious moment and experience it more fully.

How to reconcile this seeming paradox? It’s a challenge to DO and BE at the same time.

One way is to embrace it. Yes, you have clarity about what you wish to accomplish AND you can give yourself the time you need for healing, resting. and being awake to what is happening around you, the miracles of life and love. You can have both, but NOT always simultaneously.

To help myself, I schedule my “being time” meditation practice for the morning and slow my daily routine down, making room for running late, a sick child, forgetting something. I challenge the inner critic who judges me negatively or pressures me to work harder, taking on more, in order to feel worthy. After cancer, I say “no” a lot so that I can say “yes” with real joy.

But I don’t lose sight of my goals and neither should you. Listening to your desire for new experiences and going outside your comfort zone, are crucial for your vitality.

How do you manage this paradox, the desire to get things done vs. allowing yourself the space and grace to observe and delight in the moment?

Anticipation vs. Expectations

March 25, 2024December 18, 2017 by Kelly Inselmann

In yoga class, as students begin turning their attention inward, noticing their thoughts, feelings, and sensations, I give the suggestion that they also let go of their expectations of what they imagined the class would be like, whether they will like it or not, and whether they will “perform” perfectly. At this point, I often notice a shift in the room as breathing deepens and awareness of what is happening right here and now increases.

Practicing what I preach, this week I’ve been working on the theme of managing my own high expectations in real life.

The month has been chock full of activity and emotions for me.

Two friends passed away and I was shocked and saddened, feeling their absence and realizing the transitory reality of life.

A week ago we hosted a large holiday party benefitting my daughter’s dance school and felt the warmth of being surrounded by lively community, bright spirits, and excited children.

Three days later my family and I boarded an early morning flight to NYC for the Bar Mitzvah celebration of my dear friend Shari’s son.

I’m on my way home now, Sunday evening, writing this blog from the JFK airport where our flight is delayed 4 hours.

Before the holiday party, I was feeling overwhelmed about how the party would turn out, packing for our trip, and making it to the end of our NY adventure without something going wrong, one of us catching the flu, or simply running out of energy.

I called my wise friend, a long time yogi and meditator who knows her own boundaries and isn’t afraid to set them.

“You want to know my mantra for when things get crazy like this?” she asked. I agreed, expecting something from the yogic teachings.

Her advice? “LOWER. YOUR. EXPECTATIONS.”

I laughed out loud at the phrase, so opposite to what we hear in popular culture, with its emphasis on high standards, positive thinking, working hard, and manifesting your dream. And I laughed with recognition at how out of whack my expectations had become. In theory everything was possible, yet events would inevitably unfold beyond my control, just as they always do.

As a cancer survivor, I’ve had a lot of practice with events unfolding beyond my control. I’ve had to learn over and over to release my emotional attachment to the OUTCOME looking a certain way in order for me to feel successful or happy in this moment. Instead of focusing on outcome, I can choose to focus on the PROCESS, and by that I mean the moment to moment interactions with others and my awareness of my inner experience.

The process also includes maintaining my commitment to showing up and being as present mentally, emotionally and spiritually as I can be. Being truly present means I can see, hear, and sense the actual REALITY of the situation, not just a mental fantasy about how things COULD or SHOULD look or be.

To have a chance at enjoying the moments, I needed to let go of my VERY strong personal attachment to things working out just exactly the way I dreamed them up.

When I arrived in NY and had lunch with Shari, I passed on the advice about lowered expectations. She laughed as well. Her mind was on overdrive, trying to remember every detail and manage everyone else’s experience.

After the amazing party on Saturday night, when we were having brunch and talking about how fun it all was, I heard her share the mantra that helped her be happy with things exactly as they were. She said, “I just kept telling myself: “lower your expectations.”

I’m Here for the Awakening

March 25, 2024December 11, 2017 by Kelly Inselmann

Cancer changes everything.

Shock and fear cause strong emotional reactions in even the calmest patients, survivors, and family members. Pain, fatigue, and weakness mean you can’t ignore physical needs. Relationships change when a strong caretaker or family manager becomes ill and needs help.

In my own experience as a 10 year cancer survivor, as well as in my Yoga and Talk Therapy Groups for Survivors, I have observed that (post diagnosis) important life patterns and situations come front and center to be re-examined and re-evaluated. They can no longer be ignored.

Some people have an epiphany that they need to get a divorce or drop toxic friendships. Others decide they should change careers or that they want nothing more than to spend as much time with children or grands as possible.

Cancer gives you an encounter with Awakening.

Lydia shared with me that learning yoga and meditation gave direction to her awakening. With the diagnosis came doubts, questioning her ability to continue working, and wondering who she could rely on in the future. Learning to meditate moved her from fear and confusion to greater self understanding, compassion, and love. “ I’ve been waiting my whole life for this – and it took cancer to get me here,“ she said.

Her life on the outside hasn’t changed. She has the same job and friends. But she holds the mundane life activities with a sacredness and a gratitude that give her life deeper meaning.

Awakening occurs when you are unexpectedly pushed out of your engrained patterns of daily living, habits of speaking or listening to others, caring for yourself, expectations of the future, and beliefs about the world. It helps you see that this moment is more vivid and poignant than you ever realized.

Cancer wakes you to the fragility of the human body and of life itself.

Even though survivors experience great suffering, you also have the opportunity to change how you make choices. You can choose to focus on what brings joy, truly uplifts another person, and contributes to family or the world.

You try a meditation class, take a trip somewhere new, speak to someone who is different and know you share the same human experience. You are open to people and life in a freer way because time is of the essence and you know it.

This awakening is the part I want to hold onto and why I love working with other survivors. Because like you, I’m here for the present moment, for my relationship to the Infinite, and to connecting with other humans for the time we have.