https://bcrc.org/trauma-and-recovery-in-the-cancer-experience/
Kelly Inselmann
Wounded Amazon
Hundreds of blood red spikes poke out of the white marble head and chest of a statue of a woman. This replica of a Roman statue, a “wounded amazon,” sits in a public art space on the street in NYC.
The placement of the spikes is no accident. They are arranged precisely where women who have had breast cancer surgery are cut and feel residual sensation, discomfort, and pain.
Even as I sit in the cool library and type these words, I can feel sensation a few inches to the right of my left shoulder blade, old discomfort from the left breast mastectomy I had 10 years ago.
The sculpture of the woman is enormous. The pain I see in her eyes is haunting. And so familiar, from looking into the faces of women I work with and from looking in the mirror at myself.
People are walking around the statue, many without a second look. Some glance her way, recognizing something unusual, but it’s hot outside and they are busy. Couples hold hands and laugh. The taxi driver has pulled his van over and parked right in front of her, waiting impatiently for the group he is collecting to come outside.
Her pain is enormous and she is in plain sight, yet the world swirls and moves forward without her. Her agony is her own.
This piece of art was created by artist Prune Nourry, age 33, who recently underwent treatment for breast cancer. It is called The Amazon and is modeled after the life sized marble statue of a wounded amazon at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Nourry referred to it as a “catharsis sculpture.” She decided to extend the timeline of the project recognizing that “healing is a long process.”
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The definition of catharsis is “the process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions.”
Identifying and then expressing the thoughts, emotions and sensations you feel are also the first steps in emotional recovery from the trauma of having cancer.
So why is it so hard to acknowledge the impact that cancer has had on you?
There’s pain, both physical and emotional that you are trying to avoid by pretending it doesn’t exist. And then there’s shame at having pain, at not bouncing back more quickly, at needing time to recover, instead of being an invincible warrior.
But even the Amazon warrior, as this piece demonstrates, can be wounded. And even she needs to be seen, understood, and given time to heal.
Grateful Warrior?
Lydia confides that she feels sad and depressed most of the day, lacking energy to move forward on her goals for self care and to enjoy her life more. On top of feeling depressed and fatigued, her inner critic blames her for not “getting over it.”
If only it were that easy. Who wouldn’t “get over it” if they could?
The reality is that emotional healing takes time and support. For me, healing came in stages-and I needed to have safe spaces that supported me in expressing what I was really feeling-even years after active treatment. And 10 years later, there are pieces that I still need to revisit-especially when it has to do with a side effect continuing to need attention (like lymphedema or osteoporosis) or ways I notice my life is different than it might have been. Time helps tremendously with the acceptance and integration of my cancer experience, but it’s still an ongoing process of observing and expressing my feelings. The more I express my feelings, especially the “negative” ones, the lighter I feel and the more energy I have.
Many survivors are reluctant to share “negative” feelings, believing (often correctly in my opinion!) that loved ones prefer to see the Grateful Warrior face of your experience, not the lingering effects of a traumatic experience.
Gratitude and grit have no doubt been part of your journey, but they are not the whole story.
Recent research in neurobiology finds that ignoring or repressing emotions or memories does not make them disappear. Instead, the limbic system, the emotional part of the brain, stays activated as though the initial experience is actually happening.
You might not be talking about it, but you are still feeling unexpressed emotions, in the mind or in the body.
To heal, you must find safe spaces and people to acknowledge and express yourself.
Kelly’s Podcast On Emotional Healing
Emotional suffering and mental health challenges are side effects of the cancer experience that often go unaddressed.
Your life is turned upside down by the shock of the diagnosis, and grueling treatments affect your nervous system, hormones, sleep, range of movement and body function. Relationships are tested and financial worries take center stage. Sometimes there is lingering pain. Always there is some fear of recurrence or spreading.
Your medical team is rightly focused on eliminating or holding the cancer at bay. And many cancer patients and survivors are fortunate to be supported and cared for by loving communities.
Yet survivors sometimes feel a pressure to minimize how deeply they are emotionally impacted, in an attempt to “stay positive” or “spiritual” and to avoid making others uncomfortable by sharing their physical and/or emotional pain.
I’m on a mission to address emotional recovery in the cancer experience so that people can move past the “new normal” with vitality. I was recently delighted to be interviewed by the Therapist Uncensored Podcast about my 6 Principles for Emotional Recovery after Cancer. Check it out:
http://www.therapistuncensored.com/tu63/
Room for All of This
“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved.
They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again.
It’s just like that.
The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen:
room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”
― Pema Chödrön
Treasure in the Clay Pot
“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
Joseph Campbell
Leslie had the next 5 years planned out.
She had quit the large law firm in order to stay home with her kids. Her plan was to eventually move into flexible part time practice for more time home and less pressure to make billable hours.
Leslie was an organized woman. Vacations and visits to relatives were scheduled in advance. Babysitters and grandparents were on call to help as needed. Her house was clean and orderly, even with young kids. She volunteered, gave money to good causes, and had good friends.
Leslie felt competent and in control much of the time. This was very important to her. Like any young mother she was sleep deprived, but things were working out well and she had a strong belief that with correct planning, life would get better and better.
And then one day, she discovered a lump in her breast.
You can guess where this is headed…
To put it bluntly, all of Leslie’s expectations came to a grinding halt and things changed forever.
Though she had good insurance and lots of support from family and community, it was still excruciatingly difficult to undergo aggressive medical treatments for the better part of a year. She felt lonely and confused. She also felt depressed and scared. Sometimes she felt angry.
And when the active treatment was over, she was left with many side effects, especially chemobrain and lymphedema of the arm and torso, both of which caused her much frustration and grief.
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This past weekend, I visited my mother in Houston. As we were sitting in her church on Sunday morning, I was struck by one of the verses and thought of Leslie and what it takes to recover emotionally from cancer:
For it is the God who said “Let light shine out of darkness”…But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed…
2 Corinthians 4:5-12
You may feel all of this as you go through treatment or recovery from it: afflicted, perplexed, persecuted, struck down. And I would venture to say that many of us also feel crushed, despairing, forsaken, and destroyed at times.
The key to freedom is the treasure in the clay pot that lifts you out of these dark places of isolation, fear, and feelings of abandonment. It’s the light inside of you, the clay pot being your body…
In my view, the Light is your experience of the Infinite, and a power greater than yourself, however you imagine that to be. While parts of you are finite and your body is vulnerable and limited (especially as you go through or recover from cancer), the Light is also there, just beneath the surface.
Remembering this Light, connecting to it is, is part of yoga and meditation practice. A favorite element of kundalini yoga practice is the song we end with in class:
May the longtime sun shine upon you
All love surround you
and the pure light within you
guide your way on
Make Room
When my daughter was a toddler, at Montessori school, she learned many important life skills. Lately, I’m reminded of one in particular.
It is the ability to “make room.”
When the children would crowd up trying to see something, start a new activity, or gather around a snack table, one child might be behind the others, trying to get in, but blocked or pushed aside. “Let’s make room for our friend,” the teacher would gently say, and the little group would part to include the new person.
The lesson wasn’t shaming, as early childhood lessons can sometimes be, depending on who is delivering it. This cue was gentle – a reminder that the space was not fixed or rigid. Everyone could fit if there was willingness and flexibility. Nobody had to be left out.
Make room.
This is not a phrase I grew up knowing. I grew up in a competitive, achievement oriented environment that did not value vulnerability.
There were no adults gently saying “make room.” It was more like “You snooze, you lose!” “No pain, no gain,” “Finders keepers,” and, well, you know the rest.
Of course, focusing on a goal inspires action and toughness and hard work.
But the gentleness of making room for others is such a tender practice for me to learn with my daughter. Anytime I say it to a child, they do it with grace and eagerness. It acknowledges the legitimacy and right of everyone to participate. It grants the choice to be generous and inclusive.
Making room is also an important part of healing emotionally and physically from the effects of cancer and cancer treatment. People struggle tremendously with so-called “negative” emotions – anger, pain, loss, fear, grief, and often are convinced that it they allow a “negative” thought, feeling, or sensation to have space at the table of awareness, it will take over and destroy everything.
We squelch these feelings because they are uncomfortable or painful. But you simply cannot outrun (or out squelch) yourself and your experiences forever, as much as many of us would like to be able to do!
I’ll admit it. I’m on a mission to encourage people to begin to make room inside themselves for their feelings, instead of attempting to repress, deny or escape them.
Imagine there is room for everything to be present. Don’t feel like you have to push anything away. Imagine that your thoughts and feelings have the right to be here with you, whatever they are, part of your human experience.
Take a few long deep breaths.
Have the intention of spending a few moments observing and allowing the feeling to be present, just one of the crowd of thoughts and feelings. Experiment with not pushing it away for a few moments.
It’s a simple, subtle, practice, this making room inside yourself. Simple, but not easy. Eventually the goal is to befriend the difficult sensation, thought or emotion, so that it’s not an enemy at the gate.
But you don’t have to move so quickly.
You can begin by entertaining the idea of generously making room at the table to include a more vulnerable part of yourself, just as the children make way to include a new friend.
We Have a Beautiful Mother
We have a beautiful mother
Her hills
are buffaloes
her buffaloes
hills.
We have a beautiful
mother
Her oceans
are wombs
Her wombs
oceans.
We have a beautiful
mother
Her teeth
the white stones
at the edge
of the water
the summer
grasses
her plentiful
hair.
We have a beautiful
mother
Her green lap
immense
Her brown embrace
eternal
Her blue body
everything
we know.
Alice Walker
Reality Check
Lauren is 65 years young, a beautiful woman with soft medium length curls and a keen wit and intelligence.
Recently, she was diagnosed with lung cancer and prescribed a radiation treatment. A few days after it was complete, she noticed a large bruise forming exactly where the radiation was administered. Growing concerned, she called her oncologist’s office and was told by the woman answering the phone that it was unrelated to the radiation, that this was not a side effect. When she was recounting this to her group of friends, the cancer survivors in the group were appalled. What?! How could it be unrelated when it had never before occurred and was happening right at the site of recent radiation?
All of us could relate and perhaps you can too. At the end of chemo, I was told by an oncologist, substituting for my regular doctor, that the falling away of my fingernails and toenails was unrelated to the chemo. She said it was probably a skin condition. Later, I heard from countless people that this was a normal and expected side effect of chemo.
Mistakes happen. There may be times that professionals, as well as friends and family, are unknowingly misattuned to what you are experiencing, both physically or emotionally.
But what’s most important is that you do not accept the dismissal. You should not dismiss your own concerns, your needs, your questions, your feelings, and you shouldn’t stop until you get a clear answer and understanding.
You know your body better than anyone and your intuition is important. Being dismissed out of hand is what others might do to you, but what you should never be content to do to yourself.
It’s one of the first principles I’m writing about for my upcoming online course Healing Well: Reconnecting with Your Life After Cancer.
Be unafraid to see reality and work with others to see it too.
Rhythmic Healing
This video demonstrates an easy exercise cancer survivors can do to help calm the mind and integrate thoughts and feelings into the bigger understanding of life.
Bilateral stimulation of the body gets the circulation moving and helps to balance the hemispheres of the brain which has a soothing, healing effect.
Similar to the trauma intervention called EMDR, kundalini yoga exercises get both sides of the body moving in a rhythm with the breath.
