Kelly Inselmann

Kelly Inselmann has worked as a Psychotherapist and Yoga Teacher integrating the practices of therapy and yoga through her clinical work for 15 years. She has extensive training in individual and group psychotherapy. Prior to beginning her private practice in 1998, she worked with trauma victims through a variety of non-profit and local government agencies. As a yoga teacher she holds both a 500 Hour Yoga Teacher Certification and an International 200 Hour Kundalini Yoga Teacher Certification, and she has been a Yoga Alliance member since 2002. In addition, she is a registered Yoga Therapist (500 level). She is the founder of the Yoga and Talk™ therapy model and has offered group programs since 2002 to a variety of demographic groups including adolescent girls, adult women, children in the schools, people in recovery, and cancer survivors. Kelly lives in Austin, Texas with her husband and daughter.

Anger

March 25, 2024March 19, 2018 by Kelly Inselmann

At the end of one of my Yoga and Talk Therapy Workshops for Cancer Survivors, Lydia spoke up in a worried voice:

“I am now realizing how angry I am. But I have a question: Where do I put it?!”

I loved her question because it contains two very important insights.

First, Lydia recognized the anger she has been holding in her body, mind, and heart. She is suffering with pain and feels irritable as she recovers from surgery, yet holds herself to impossibly high expectations to be gracious to others in every moment.

She is self critical about how long the healing is taking and about needing assistance from her family. She is angry about the diagnosis and how it has affected many areas of her life.

Second, she’s ready to work with her anger. While it’s not so easy as finding a trash bin, working with your anger is not as scary as it can seem. Turning your attention towards your anger instead of repressing it can be the beginning of your healing.

Repressed anger often makes you feel numb, so it’s hard to enjoy the good moments. Repressed anger also comes out sideways and out of proportion, triggered by seemingly meaningless events or interactions.

Better to own your anger, find safe places to feel and express it so you can get your vitality back!

Tears at the Table

March 25, 2024March 5, 2018 by Kelly Inselmann

In a world that wants you to act relentlessly positive, even in the face of your own or others’ suffering, how can you make space for the authentic experience of your own feelings, sensations, and thoughts?

Can you make room for all of it? Can you give yourself permission to have the experience you are having RIGHT NOW – the thoughts, feelings and sensations that are part of your human experience, without trying to change anything or push it away?

I’m writing this post at the end of my birthday weekend – in which I have felt so blessed and loved and unbelievably lucky. I’m delighted to be STILL HERE, enjoying the moment with my daughter and husband and friends and family and all of you.

But I have to tell you, having a birthday, especially a big one, can be a mixed bag!

My daughter, husband and I traveled for one night to San Antonio to celebrate. There were moments of genuine pleasure on our short trip, but I also felt overwhelmed several times by feelings of irritability, nostalgia, and even grief. I was surprised to be missing my grandparents, who lived in San Antonio and whom I used to visit regularly. I felt their absence sharply, like I haven’t in many years.

Then there was annoyance at mixed up dinner and brunch plans, poignancy in realizing I’ve been with my husband for exactly half my life (we met when I was 25 and now I’m 50), love and joy with my daughter’s delight in the history and beauty of the old hotel where we were staying, irritation at her loud complaining about the food not being exactly what she expected.

I felt gratitude for making it to 50 and shame at feeling having tears over minor annoyances, upsetting my sweet family who were trying really hard to be on their best behavior and make the time nice for me.

The more I tried to push away the sadness and irritability to just be grateful, the more it showed in the form of impatience or tears.

Can you relate?

That’s when I remembered what I tell people in class: Make room for this. Make room for the full experience, the sadness and irritability, the love and the appreciation, the anger and the grief.

Why is it important to make room for the feelings instead of shutting them down or pretending nothing’s wrong? Because shutting feelings down doesn’t make them go away. You end up acting them out even more OR you continue to experience the effects of the suppressed anger and sadness – your immune system and nervous system work overtime, because instead of allowing the feelings to come up for a few uncomfortable (even embarrassing moments) and then moving on out, they take up residence inside you.

I tried to give myself space for the feelings, even though to be honest it didn’t make me look very graceful. Luckily my family can be very forgiving, especially when I assure them it’s not their fault I’m crying at the table on my birthday!

And then the feelings moved through..

Deep Quiet

March 25, 2024February 26, 2018 by Kelly Inselmann

Yesterday I was at a day long meditation, enjoying spaciousness and the stillness. During one of the breaks, I sat next to a friend, both of us quiet and content. Finally I turned to her and said, “I have nothing to say and nothing to do. I NEVER have nothing to say and nothing to do these days!” It felt so good to sit in that space of deep quiet and peace.

The effect of the meditation is more important than the experience of the meditation itself. You may feel bored, distracted, blissful, or any other emotion during the meditation. Regardless of the details of the meditation, your brain and nervous system still benefit. It’s important to remember that the main purpose of meditation is to have access to a calm, stable and neutral mind when you are not in actual meditation.

Calm and Ready

April 9, 2024February 19, 2018 by Kelly Inselmann

Enjoy this visualization and guided meditation for helping you feel calm when faced with upcoming appointments, procedures and surgeries. Feel relaxed, loved, and self accepting.

My Favorite Thing After Cancer Part 1

March 25, 2024January 22, 2018 by Kelly Inselmann

I change in the locker room, slip into my flipflops, grab my towel and walk expectantly over to the dressing room door. Opening my way into the lap pool area, I am hit with the smell of chlorine and then a moment of delight. The pool is empty! This is one of my favorite things, especially after cancer.

I remember the moment 9 years ago when I was finally released by my doctor to swim. Submerged in the empty pool, my body released its constriction and stretched, weightless and pushing against the water. It was bliss, and also deeply emotional as I cried under water feeling relief, gratitude, and joy, releasing some of the great sorrow from my recent mastectomy and lymph node removal. To feel pleasure in my body, to move freely and know I had survived thus far, this moment was mine to revel in.

I jumped and curled into a somersault like the thousands I did as a child in Houston, Texas during the summer.

These days, I swim at least once a week at my neighborhood Gold’s Gym. Sometimes the pool is crowded and I have to avoid classes and aggressive men with flippers and paddles who, without awareness, could injure my arm or chest.

My speed is steady, not fast. Swimming (especially backstroke) has been the most effective therapy for my lymphedema. Afterwards, my arm no longer aches, the swelling is barely visible, and my mood is considerably improved.

I wish everyone with lymphedema had access to a pool. The lymphatic massage of the water is healing. You don’t even have to know how to swim – just moving the arms back and forth against the water is enough.

This week I read a comment on a cancer survivor support group from a young woman, a yogi, sharing her delight with people who understood. After months of recovering from a double mastectomy, she was able to do the downward facing dog yoga pose for the first time. She described the bliss of the deep stretch and her joy at being able to finally support her own weight again.

She felt strong, she felt relief, and she felt joy.

Mindfulness, Movement and Yoga

April 2, 2024January 15, 2018 by Kelly Inselmann

What makes yoga and meditation so effective at lowering anxiety and renewing energy? How can you integrate what you learn in class into your life? How do the practices increase the effectiveness of psychotherapy groups?

I recently let loose and talked about all these questions and more on the fabulous podcast Therapists Uncensored (“Where therapists freely speak their minds on real life matters!”). Take a listen:

http://www.therapistuncensored.com/tu52/

Compare, Compete, Confuse

May 14, 2020January 7, 2018 by Kelly Inselmann

“Compare, compete, confuse.” Yogi Bhajan

Have you seen all the posts on social media about resolutions for self -improvement and professional success in the New Year? There are endless programs to improve your life in every way – lose weight! Re-design your living room! Finish your book in 30 days! Be more politically active! Learn how to be a better parent or have the most perfect kid!

While intellectually I know better, I can feel triggered at times into old, critical self talk which focuses on how much more I SHOULD be doing. This comparison does not inspire healthy competition, but leads to distraction and confusion about what to focus on and dropping the ball from what REALLY inspires me.

Comparisons also happen a lot when faced with cancer and it’s aftermath. While going through treatment, you often hear about how others manage their cancer experience: Mary just “breezed right through it,” Sharon “rode her bike to chemo,” and Leslie “treated radiation like nap time.” Well, good to know but VERY different from how challenging many people find the whole experience.

After active treatment, survivors often feel they should be “over it” more quickly than is realistic and loved ones can encourage this view because they want you to go back to “normal” quickly.

Ten years after diagnosis, I want to remember a few things:

Go at your own pace. Treat fellow travelers on similar life paths with respect and maybe affection, but don’t let their steps knock you off your stride.
Be present with people when they are speaking to you. Especially your family. Nothing is more important.
Enjoy every chance to move your body. Don’t take this for granted.
Meditate every day, without judgment about how long or how perfectly.
The day is not wasted if you’ve found pleasure in it. Go out to dinner, see a movie, read a novel, show up at a party, appreciate the beauty of nature in your neighborhood, take a nap, play Monopoly with your kid. Laugh.

Healthy pleasures boost the immune system and make life worth living!

Having it All

March 25, 2024December 31, 2017 by Kelly Inselmann

To grasp the world more fully, one must grasp it gently. (Aharonov & Rohrlich)

“There’s so much I still want to accomplish! I want to write a book, and move forward on all my goals,” says Annabelle in my office this week. Her formerly black hair is growing back slowly, a steel gray, wiry texture I can see, now that her headscarf is gone.

She feels weak and fatigued, and has trouble organizing her schedule because of chemobrain from treatment and early chemically induced menopause. She’s fatigued and just beginning to understand the effects of treatment on her body and mind. But today she has no patience for herself: “I feel like I’m just being lazy. I’ve already lost time being sick. No more excuses!”

Last week, her perspective was different: “I want to do more meditation because it centers me and helps me remember to be more loving towards myself and my family. I know it’s ok for me to rest and heal. I’ve been through a lot. I’ve been so grateful for each moment and I just want to be present and open to how life is unfolding.”

Annabelle is facing the dilemma many cancer patients and survivors face and that I deeply relate to as well. Facing the reality of her own mortality in a new way, she understandably wants to make every moment count and accomplish outstanding goals. On the other hand, she wants to breathe in each precious moment and experience it more fully.

How to reconcile this seeming paradox? It’s a challenge to DO and BE at the same time.

One way is to embrace it. Yes, you have clarity about what you wish to accomplish AND you can give yourself the time you need for healing, resting. and being awake to what is happening around you, the miracles of life and love. You can have both, but NOT always simultaneously.

To help myself, I schedule my “being time” meditation practice for the morning and slow my daily routine down, making room for running late, a sick child, forgetting something. I challenge the inner critic who judges me negatively or pressures me to work harder, taking on more, in order to feel worthy. After cancer, I say “no” a lot so that I can say “yes” with real joy.

But I don’t lose sight of my goals and neither should you. Listening to your desire for new experiences and going outside your comfort zone, are crucial for your vitality.

How do you manage this paradox, the desire to get things done vs. allowing yourself the space and grace to observe and delight in the moment?

Anticipation vs. Expectations

March 25, 2024December 18, 2017 by Kelly Inselmann

In yoga class, as students begin turning their attention inward, noticing their thoughts, feelings, and sensations, I give the suggestion that they also let go of their expectations of what they imagined the class would be like, whether they will like it or not, and whether they will “perform” perfectly. At this point, I often notice a shift in the room as breathing deepens and awareness of what is happening right here and now increases.

Practicing what I preach, this week I’ve been working on the theme of managing my own high expectations in real life.

The month has been chock full of activity and emotions for me.

Two friends passed away and I was shocked and saddened, feeling their absence and realizing the transitory reality of life.

A week ago we hosted a large holiday party benefitting my daughter’s dance school and felt the warmth of being surrounded by lively community, bright spirits, and excited children.

Three days later my family and I boarded an early morning flight to NYC for the Bar Mitzvah celebration of my dear friend Shari’s son.

I’m on my way home now, Sunday evening, writing this blog from the JFK airport where our flight is delayed 4 hours.

Before the holiday party, I was feeling overwhelmed about how the party would turn out, packing for our trip, and making it to the end of our NY adventure without something going wrong, one of us catching the flu, or simply running out of energy.

I called my wise friend, a long time yogi and meditator who knows her own boundaries and isn’t afraid to set them.

“You want to know my mantra for when things get crazy like this?” she asked. I agreed, expecting something from the yogic teachings.

Her advice? “LOWER. YOUR. EXPECTATIONS.”

I laughed out loud at the phrase, so opposite to what we hear in popular culture, with its emphasis on high standards, positive thinking, working hard, and manifesting your dream. And I laughed with recognition at how out of whack my expectations had become. In theory everything was possible, yet events would inevitably unfold beyond my control, just as they always do.

As a cancer survivor, I’ve had a lot of practice with events unfolding beyond my control. I’ve had to learn over and over to release my emotional attachment to the OUTCOME looking a certain way in order for me to feel successful or happy in this moment. Instead of focusing on outcome, I can choose to focus on the PROCESS, and by that I mean the moment to moment interactions with others and my awareness of my inner experience.

The process also includes maintaining my commitment to showing up and being as present mentally, emotionally and spiritually as I can be. Being truly present means I can see, hear, and sense the actual REALITY of the situation, not just a mental fantasy about how things COULD or SHOULD look or be.

To have a chance at enjoying the moments, I needed to let go of my VERY strong personal attachment to things working out just exactly the way I dreamed them up.

When I arrived in NY and had lunch with Shari, I passed on the advice about lowered expectations. She laughed as well. Her mind was on overdrive, trying to remember every detail and manage everyone else’s experience.

After the amazing party on Saturday night, when we were having brunch and talking about how fun it all was, I heard her share the mantra that helped her be happy with things exactly as they were. She said, “I just kept telling myself: “lower your expectations.”

I’m Here for the Awakening

March 25, 2024December 11, 2017 by Kelly Inselmann

Cancer changes everything.

Shock and fear cause strong emotional reactions in even the calmest patients, survivors, and family members. Pain, fatigue, and weakness mean you can’t ignore physical needs. Relationships change when a strong caretaker or family manager becomes ill and needs help.

In my own experience as a 10 year cancer survivor, as well as in my Yoga and Talk Therapy Groups for Survivors, I have observed that (post diagnosis) important life patterns and situations come front and center to be re-examined and re-evaluated. They can no longer be ignored.

Some people have an epiphany that they need to get a divorce or drop toxic friendships. Others decide they should change careers or that they want nothing more than to spend as much time with children or grands as possible.

Cancer gives you an encounter with Awakening.

Lydia shared with me that learning yoga and meditation gave direction to her awakening. With the diagnosis came doubts, questioning her ability to continue working, and wondering who she could rely on in the future. Learning to meditate moved her from fear and confusion to greater self understanding, compassion, and love. “ I’ve been waiting my whole life for this – and it took cancer to get me here,“ she said.

Her life on the outside hasn’t changed. She has the same job and friends. But she holds the mundane life activities with a sacredness and a gratitude that give her life deeper meaning.

Awakening occurs when you are unexpectedly pushed out of your engrained patterns of daily living, habits of speaking or listening to others, caring for yourself, expectations of the future, and beliefs about the world. It helps you see that this moment is more vivid and poignant than you ever realized.

Cancer wakes you to the fragility of the human body and of life itself.

Even though survivors experience great suffering, you also have the opportunity to change how you make choices. You can choose to focus on what brings joy, truly uplifts another person, and contributes to family or the world.

You try a meditation class, take a trip somewhere new, speak to someone who is different and know you share the same human experience. You are open to people and life in a freer way because time is of the essence and you know it.

This awakening is the part I want to hold onto and why I love working with other survivors. Because like you, I’m here for the present moment, for my relationship to the Infinite, and to connecting with other humans for the time we have.