Kelly Inselmann

Kelly Inselmann has worked as a Psychotherapist and Yoga Teacher integrating the practices of therapy and yoga through her clinical work for 15 years. She has extensive training in individual and group psychotherapy. Prior to beginning her private practice in 1998, she worked with trauma victims through a variety of non-profit and local government agencies. As a yoga teacher she holds both a 500 Hour Yoga Teacher Certification and an International 200 Hour Kundalini Yoga Teacher Certification, and she has been a Yoga Alliance member since 2002. In addition, she is a registered Yoga Therapist (500 level). She is the founder of the Yoga and Talk™ therapy model and has offered group programs since 2002 to a variety of demographic groups including adolescent girls, adult women, children in the schools, people in recovery, and cancer survivors. Kelly lives in Austin, Texas with her husband and daughter.

Mantra Meditation and Feelings

March 25, 2024September 26, 2016 by Kelly Inselmann

Practice a meditation to support you when you have strong or painful feelings and thoughts. Use the simple mantra in Kirtan Kriya to match the intensity of the feeling you have with the intensity of your focus on the mantra.

This has several effects including:

1. allows strong feelings to emerge to be transformed (instead of repressed or projected onto someone else).

2.stabilizes your mind

3.stengthens the nervous system and induces a state of calm and openness

The mantra is Sa Ta Na Ma which represents Birth, Life, Death, and Rebirth. In other words, the cycle of LIFE.

Sat Nam.

Stuffing Your Feelings Makes You Sicker

April 9, 2024September 18, 2016 by Kelly Inselmann

As you move through cancer, there are many phases, starting with detection and the shock of diagnosis. Next come urgent decisions and active treatment. At the end of treatment there is relief (and sometimes anxiety) and the beginning of recovery. In many cases, there is ongoing treatment or ongoing maintenance. You are an active participant in looking for the best answers and working on survival.

You are encouraged to DO a variety of things with your feelings: stay eternally positive, become a warrior and fight, research and advocate for yourself, walk to raise funds, all while reassuring loved ones that you are ok and nothing is going to change. All the while being grateful for every moment. And everyone likes it when you are cheerful too.

Often, authentic feelings of terror, anger, fear and grief are set aside, stuffed, and sacrificed because you are focused on beating the cancer, but also because you are trying to maintain your equilibrium. And if you have a partner or children, you focus on managing their distress as well.

Jennifer remembers having her blood drawn before her first chemo session at MD Anderson. She could see her sweet husband across the lobby as she walked out. She had tears rolling down her cheeks but when she saw his worried face, she swallowed the tears and as they caught each other’s eyes across the large room filled with patients, she gave a big (fake) reassuring smile. By the time she got to him, her tears were dry. He said with great relief when she reached him for a hug, “You don’t know what it means to me to see you smile.” But she did. That’s why she did it. She set aside the sadness to make him feel more comfortable

So what happens to feelings that don’t get expressed but instead are stuffed or ignored so that others feel encouraged and comfortable, or so that you can focus on getting through the treatment at hand?

Over years of teaching my weekly Yoga Warriors Class and Yoga and Talk® Therapy Groups, I’ve learned that many of us are encouraged, either subtly or directly, NOT to share the more difficult feelings. Anger and fear, loss and pain, and the intense ways they can be expressed, are hard for loved ones to handle hearing, at least on a regular basis.

And yet we have these feelings on a regular basis. They are a normal part of our human experience, especially when faced with a life or death challenge.

Research in neurobiology finds that ignoring or repressing emotions or memories does not make them disappear. Instead, the limbic system, the emotional part of the brain, stays activated as though the initial experience is actually happening.

You might not be talking about it, but you are still feeling unexpressed emotions, in the mind or in the body.

Stuffing your feelings leads to these 5 painful behaviors:

1. Self attack
2. Loneliness and isolation
3. Expressions of anger that cause relationship problems
4. Depression
5. Fearfulness and daily anxiety

Here are some things you can do instead:

1. Write out your feelings in a private journal, especially the “unacceptable” ones.
2. Tell a trusted friend or loved one what you are feeling inside.
3. Get enjoyable exercise to discharge tension. Try lifting weights (if permitted by your physician) to maximize tension and release.
4. Practice gentle yoga.
5. Learn to stabilize your mind through meditation. Join the Joyboots for Cancer Survivors community (free) that receives a short meditation each week.
6. Seek out safe, quality therapeutic spaces where you can really let yourself express the fear and pain and anger.

Once the feelings that are bottled up get expressed and understood, you will have more energy and vitality and stability of mind as you move forward. And move forward you will!

New Yoga and Talk® Therapy Groups for Cancer Survivors start in October.

Meditating on Sat Nam

March 25, 2024September 12, 2016 by Kelly Inselmann

Cancer survivors benefit from having an uplifting mantra to help neutralize thoughts and fears. In kundalini yoga, we use the mantra Sat Nam, a “seed sound” which can begin to take root and substitute for negative thinking. Sat Nam means True Self, the sacred part of you connected to the Divine. Link your breathing to the mantra to practice remember your sacredness anytime, anyplace. Simply think to yourself “Sat” as you inhale, “Nam” as you exhale. Inhale and exhale feeling identified with your divine essence as you let go of worries, expectations, negative predictions, to do lists and feeling responsible for everything that happens around you. From a more neutral frame of mind, it is easier to think clearly and take good care of yourself in the moment.

Activate the Relaxation Response with Long, Deep Breathing

March 25, 2024September 5, 2016 by Kelly Inselmann

Shock, fear, and anxiety during the cancer experience (or any very difficult time) cause the nervous system to react automatically. The “sympathetic nervous system” gets activated into fight, flight, or freeze and, in cases of prolonged stress, is in a state of ongoing high alert.

Long deep breathing can be an essential antidote to calm the body and mind by activating the “parasympathetic nervous system.” It seems simple but requires mindful awareness and intention.

Let’s spend a few minutes practicing together. This week, use moments of anxiety as “cues” to remind you to return to a long deep breath. Let me know how it goes! Sat nam.

Affirmation to Feel Healthy, Happy, and Whole

March 25, 2024August 28, 2016 by Kelly Inselmann

Practice a visualization for remembering your wellness, expanding your breath, and honoring your sacredness. Repeat the affirmation: “Healthy am I, Happy am I, Holy am I!” 3 times on one breath for a total of seven times. Think of holy in the sense of feeling your wholeness, the sacredness of your body and being, and your connection to the Infinite, however you imagine it.

The repetition can be quick and should be based on your breath capacity. If it is too much to repeat the whole phrase 3 times on one breath, let it be once on each breath. The most important part is to imagine your health and wellness and then really feel it to be completely true in this moment.

Reflections on Blame and Shame: Part 4

March 25, 2024August 15, 2016 by Kelly Inselmann

What’s the number one thing NOT to do when feeling blamed?

Don’t go in to “self attack!” Know that it says much more about the other person and perhaps very little about you.

Here are 3 other ideas:

1. Notice the impulse to blame yourself and see if you can wait for a moment before doing that. Offer yourself understanding and compassion.

2. Identify your underlying feelings.

Ask yourself: What feelings am I avoiding by blaming myself? Anger about the intrusive or judgmental comment? Fear of disconnection? Shame for getting sick? Desire for more time or money? Anger at having the disease?

Try to focus on the real feelings you are having and don’t camoflauge them by attacking yourself. These feelings are important signals that should not be ignored or stuffed. Give yourself permission to feel all of it. If you can, express it directly. Write about it or find a safe friend or therapist to talk things through.

3. If it’s not hurting you or causing you resentment, ignore it. Sometimes the unhelpful comment comes from an awkward place of not knowing what to say. Sometimes a person feels loving towards you but their comment but misses the mark and feels mis-attuned.

This next week, be aware of the moments during your day when you are tempted to blame or criticize yourself. Stop, breathe, feel, and offer yourself compassion.

Learn and practice the Adi Mantra

March 25, 2024August 11, 2016 by Kelly Inselmann

Learn and practice the Adi Mantra which is the mantra chanted 3 times at the beginning of a kundalini yoga class.

Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo means: I call on the Infinite Creative Consciousness, I call on the Divine Teacher Within, That which takes me from darkness to light. This mantra is a way to link your finite self to the Infinite, however you imagine it to be.

Reflections on Blame and Shame: Part 3

March 25, 2024August 8, 2016 by Kelly Inselmann

I was lying on the treatment table for a lymphatic massage, naked except for the covering sheet, feeling open and relaxed. When my therapist came in, I shared I was feeling sad and worried that a family friend had a recurrence of breast cancer, this time stage 4, 12 years after the first time. She was in the best shape of her life, running with her husband, eating very healthy.

My massage therapist’s first response? “I wonder what she did to trigger it coming back.”

I tried to take that in, but ended up in furious tears, outraged at the blame and bewildered by the delusion that we humans can consciously control every aspect of our lives and health. Would she blame me if I had a recurrence? I felt no empathy from her for my friend, only detachment and judgment.

Why do people imply you are responsible?

It’s frightening to be faced with news of illness in another person. It can be hard to know what to say and how to connect. “In some cases the easiest way to approach the illness is to blame the victim” (Marla Morris, Teaching through the Ill Body).

Here are 5 of the reasons I believe people (often unconsciously) blame the victim of an illness:

They want to connect but don’t know what to say. They want an easy answer to the question of why scary and unpredictable things happen in the world.
They want to distance themselves from feeling their own vulnerability especially about their bodies and mortality. If they can assign cause, especially one not connected to themselves, they feel safe.
Unconscious Aggression. People walk around with a lot of aggression, often hidden, often unconscious. Here’s a moment when you are vulnerable and you can become a target. For example, when a friend was diagnosed, her mother’s best friend called her to offer “sympathy” and then exclaimed:,“See what happens when you don’t get over your anger towards your mother!”
It lets them distance themselves from you. Maybe your relationship was not very close or in a good place. It’s easier to move away emotionally if they can think of how you brought this on yourself.
They are angry (often rightly so) at how our environment and food has become polluted. They are trying to avoid contamination and if you are ill, it can be reassuring for them to think you must not have done a very good job of having a perfect diet or lifestyle that would protect you.
People like to feel one up. Look at how people delight in the struggles of reality show stars and celebrities. If someone is suffering and they can be blamed, people feel better about themselves and reassured that it won’t happen to them.

Kirtan Kriya Meditation

March 25, 2024August 3, 2016 by Kelly Inselmann

Cancer survivors will benefit from this meditation which has been researched at UCLA and shown to reduce inflammation in the body and improve memory/cognitive function. It uses the simple mantra Sa Ta Na Ma-sounds that represent the Cycle of Life.

Reflections on Blame and Shame: Part 2

March 25, 2024August 1, 2016 by Kelly Inselmann

“People can’t give up the idea that the ill person is responsible for the disease.”
Marla Morris, Teaching through the Ill Body

Lydia uses tissue after tissue in my office as she tries to understand how the cancer happened. She is exhausted from lack of sleep, shock, and worry. Her usually bright brown eyes are full of anguish and barely visible in a face swollen from crying. She wants to know what she did wrong, why she is being punished, what hidden badness might have done the damage.

She read online that all cancer is the result of hidden anger. She’s feeling angry about her diagnosis and now is fearful the anger will make it worse. Does sugar cause cancer and baking soda cure it? Do people blame her for eating sugar?

An acquaintance who practices energy healing told her that it has something to do with abuse from her father. She wracks her brain trying to come up with what that might be but there’s nothing. She had a good relationship with her father, not perfect, but hardly abusive.

Why do people – often the “not ill” – project and perpetuate these rationales for why other people are ill?

You’ve likely found yourself trying to help an ill friend by making such off-the-cuff statements. But let’s probe a bit more deeply into why we make these claims, why they’re actually more harmful than helpful, and what we can do instead.

After years of dealing with my own cancer recovery and working with so many others in their healing journey, here’s what I’ve been thinking:

Like blaming the rape victim for causing the assault with her short skirt or the walk alone in a dark parking lot, or the drink at a bar, people not undergoing illness casually speculate on what the ill person did “wrong” in an effort (conscious or not) to identify that they are “not like me“ and therefore must have brought the misfortune on themselves.

It’s so hard to know how to respond when faced with the suffering or misfortune of a friend or loved one. Frequently, even well intentioned people try to identify what mistakes the ill person made: wrong diet, expressed too much anger or held in their anger, ate non-organic food or had a sweet tooth, took birth control pills, enjoyed red wine, or any other of a hundred lifestyle choices. Maybe, if they can point out something that the ill person did that they did not, they can relax in their own safety.

What makes well-meaning people say these things?

Sometimes it seems as if we are praised and appreciated if we appear healthy, physically strong and happy, slim, youthful and energetic. We are blamed, disparaged, or ignored if we are not.

You want to know the cause of cancer. You want to feel in control of your life and health. But the answers are not always apparent or available. Feelings of sadness, anger, fear and bewilderment get triggered when you hear of a terrible incident or illness. This notion that things happen outside your control and bad things can happen to anyone, even the innocent, can be terrifying. The mind searches for ways to explain the misfortune that don’t include it easily happening to you.

If you can come up with a psychological theory, you “gain immunity” (to use a term from the show Survivor) from feeling how vulnerable your own body is, thereby distancing yourself emotionally from the painful knowledge of its inevitable demise.

But blaming the ill person, however subtly, can be toxic to her recovery. It adds to shame and self blame. Here’s how to respond more sensitively:

1. Respond with love and empathy to her fear and uncertainty. Be willing to listen and ask questions about how she feels and what she needs. One wise yogi friend told me he’s had many people in his family be diagnosed. He asks them, “Do you want me to talk, listen, hold you while you cry, or cry myself? I can do all of those.”

2. Tell her it’s not her fault.

3. Be honest with yourself about how much you can help. Don’t offer meals, visits, or support that you can’t follow though.

If you are a caregiver, pace yourself, and seek emotional support with others so that your loved one with cancer isn’t regularly taking care of you emotionally.

4. Be willing to hear about his or her fear and pain. Once s/he gets that part out, s/he will also want to talk about the hope and the humor in life as well.

5. Do not second guess or disparage medical choices (“I would never in a million years have done chemotherapy!” You never know until you are in it.) Especially do not criticize treatment choices already made.

6. Don’t give lectures on Big Pharm or say that there are cancer cures out there being hidden. If you genuinely have some important information based on science to share, wait to be approached and asked.

And most importantly, be a friend. Remember your loved one is more than her cancer. Be ok with not being perfect yourself and not having the answers. Don’t let fear or anxiety, desire to “fix it” or hope of saying just the right thing keep you from sharing love and connection.