Learning that you or a loved one has cancer is a shock. Most survivors measure their lives as before and after cancer, often commemorating the day of diagnosis as their “cancerversary,” the day their lives changed forever.
The word cancer itself, until very recently, was whispered and avoided for the fear it could inspire.
People who were very ill were sometimes not even told their diagnosis for fear that
the truth would create unbearable emotional distress.
What does emotional shock look like? It can vary:
Difficulty concentrating
Memory lapses
Confusion
Feeling shut down or numb
Inability to function
Fear, anger, difficulty controlling emotions
Feelings of helplessness
Feeling outside of your body
Difficulty remaining in the present moment
Laughing, crying, screaming
Being in denial and moving along as though nothing has happened.
At a moment when you most need to be clearminded in order to make complicated decisions on treatment, you may feel foggy, overwhelmed or emotionally disregulated.
It’s a challenge, but this is the time to get grounded.
Getting grounded means taking measures to feel connected to your body, your breath and the present moment.
In a moment of overwhelm, here’s what I recommend for getting grounded:
Rely on your community – start talking and sharing what you feel with safe people. Do not try to go it alone if you can connect with others. Get and give hugs and healthy touch (try a massage!).
If you don’t have much social support at diagnosis, reach out immediately for support groups in person and online. Find spaces that are encouraging and uplifting at this point in the process.
Do practices for connecting to your body and breath , and through your body to the earth and nature. Walking, running, swimming, meditation, yoga, connecting to pets or children.
After you have cancer, you begin to re-think your priorities in life.
Which relationships are most important? How do you want to spend your free time? What has been left undone?
What must you say “no” to in order to say “yes” to what really matters?
You may have some physical limitations: fatigue, pain, insomnia, other side effects. You may be dealing with “chemobrain” or struggling with anxiety or depression. Making adjustments so that you can get through each day.
After cancer, I became adept at looking through my weekly calendar and crossing out non-essential activities in order to have more unscheduled down time.
Because: first things first. I need time to just “be” and not feel constantly rushed.
What will enable you to live and enjoy the best life you can? It’s a good question for everyone to ask themselves, cancer or not.
Recently, Michelle came to our weekly yoga class and shared that she was feeling well enough to get a part time job. She was very excited for the new opportunity. But, she announced, she’d taken the job on one condition. She told her boss up front that every Wednesday she had to have a little extra time for her lunch hour so she could go to yoga class. Because she’s determined to prioritize her health and emotional well being and the weekly yoga helps her do so.
First things first.
Where can you set limits in your life this week to protect your energy and free up valuable moments of your life?
I think of a safe place, where I am welcome exactly as I am. No need for performance. I can set down my burdens and extend my legs and catch my breath.
I notice what’s happening around me because for just a moment, I can let down my guard. No need to scan for danger.
I think of entering an ancient space, with cool walls and floor and with a cozy place to lie down. I think of a community sanctioned spot, a chapel, a temple, a park, or a safe house, a friend who is always home and has something cooking.
I know the people in the sanctuary are holding a space for me and devoted to a higher consciousness than we what I live in during much of life. I know the space is one that was created for safety and for aligning with a Higher purpose that includes compassion for the human experience and reverence for the sacredness in each of us.
I have the image of grandmothers taking me in, washing my brow and comforting me, caring for my wounds. Protecting me. A place to go when no one else understands. Here, they hold space for me to love myself again. Here, I surrender the need to know what the future holds and the notion that I must be in control.
Instead, I rest in a space of openness- to learn, rest, heal, care, and be.
Do you ever feel like you are losing yourself by being overly focused on what others want from you?
How do you remember to take a breath, feel grounded in the present moment, and act from your most authentic self?
Mantra, it’s sound and meaning, can be an easy and effective tool.
Sat Nam is a mantra from kundalini yoga practice which translates as True Self or Truth is my Identity. I say this to myself several times a day to direct my mind to focus on what is essential in this moment.
Inhaling, I think Sat. Exhaling, I think Nam.
When I meet a new client, speak to my daughter’s teacher, connect with a friend, bring up a difficulty with my husband, I remind myself to focus on the Higher Truth of this moment, which I can enjoy more if I feel grounded and compassionate towards myself and others.
Sat Nam reminds me that I’m not in control of the behavior of others.
Feeling grounded and connected to your sense of Self is an important concept for everyone, but can be especially useful to cancer survivors. To continue prioritizing your own healing, you have to be willing to put your own physical and emotional needs NEAR the top of your list if not at the very top!
I often hear from clients and yoga students that Sat Nam is a practice they carry with them.
Jennifer shared that she says it to herself as she swims laps, moving in the rhythm of her backstroke, creating her own meditation in the pool.
Leslie reminds herself of Sat Nam as she goes through medical procedures and has to keep still. It’s a relaxing mental focus and reminds her of the wellbeing, feeling grounded, and self acceptance she experiences after yoga class.
Anna has always been shy and reluctant to assert herself with her husband and family members, preferring peace (or at least no conflict) to talking about her needs, ideas, and opinions. But at what cost to her? After her experience with cancer, she decided to make some changes. Recently she has begun taking a deep breath, thinking Sat Nam, and then taking the “scary risk” to speak her mind more often. She’s been shocked at the willingness of others to listen and care about what she needs.
Sat Nam reminds you of the path of assertion and healthy boundaries.
Mantra is a tool to cut through automatic thoughts and momentarily choose a neutral mindset that is non judgmental and open to possibilities.
My teacher Dr. Gurucharan Khalsa said, “Everything in the world makes a sound. The question is: Who is in charge of the sound?”
When you recite mantra, you vibrate the sound of your own voice in the present moment. When you speak your truth and assert yourself, your voice has an impact.
Ancient sound technology in the form of mantra in Sanskrit or Gurmukhi, has many benefits:
Stimulates the vagus nerve to help you relax.
Helps your mind focus on an uplifting message.
Your tongue touches meridian points in the upper palate which correspond to the brain and glandular system and create a state of emotional wellbeing.
Activates the frontal lobe of the brain which controls emotional stability, executive functioning, and compassion for yourself and others.
The vibration itself creates chemical changes in the brain which help the body and mind feel peaceful and even blissful.
From a spiritual perspective, chanting helps you align with the Divine in yourself and in the universe.
Interrupts the negative thoughts or worries that may be on “auto-pilot” and transforms your state of mind.
For people with PTSD, high anxiety or a trauma history, meditating with mantra can be an easier way to practice meditation because it gives your mind something to focus on and interrupts negative cycles of thinking.
Studies show that mantra meditation can help lower inflammation in the body (Kirtan Kriya, UCLA Study)
Can improve memory, sleep, and symptoms of depression and anxiety.
The ancient sages describe Mantra as a seed, which when ripe, flowers the Divine within you.
People are so afraid of their anger. They don’t want to feel it, aren’t sure how to express it and in my experience working with cancer survivors, they sure as hell don’t want others to know they have it.
Someone else might feel uncomfortable. Or start lecturing them that having anger is the reason they got diagnosed with cancer. As though anger were not a normal part of the human experience.
Let me tell you a little secret about anger, once you learn to feel it and express it in ways that are safe and healthy, you can clear out so much space inside. You get access to energy you didn’t know you had.
You may even end up making changes, setting limits or asserting yourself in important ways.
And…the space that’s created may end up being filled with a feeling of aliveness, connection to others, and even the joy and gratitude we are always hoping for.
LIFE IS BOTH WRETCHED AND GLORIOUS BY Pema Chödrön
“Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected.
“But if that’s all that’s happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction.
“On the other hand, wretchedness–life’s painful aspect–softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody’s eyes because you feel you haven’t got anything to lose–you’re just there.
“The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We’d be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn’t have enough energy to eat an apple.
“Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together.”
– Pema Chödrön, Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living
Have you seen this video produced by the Mental Health Channel at the University of Texas?
It’s worth a look because in less than 6 minutes it encapsulates many of the feelings cancer survivors face.
Robyn, a PhD student at UT who had endometrial cancer, speaks eloquently about the duality of going about her daily business, while having an entirely different awareness of the fragility of life.
Emotional suffering and mental health challenges are side effects of the cancer experience that often go unaddressed.
Your life is turned upside down by the shock of the diagnosis, and grueling treatments affect your nervous system, hormones, sleep, range of movement and body function. Relationships are tested and financial worries take center stage. Sometimes there is lingering pain. Always there is some fear of recurrence or spreading.
Your medical team is rightly focused on eliminating or holding the cancer at bay. And many cancer patients and survivors are fortunate to be supported and cared for by loving communities.
Yet survivors sometimes feel a pressure to minimize how deeply they are emotionally impacted, in an attempt to “stay positive” or “spiritual” and to avoid making others uncomfortable by sharing their physical and/or emotional pain.
I’m on a mission to address emotional recovery in the cancer experience so that people can move past the “new normal” with vitality. I was recently delighted to be interviewed by the Therapist Uncensored Podcast about my 6 Principles for Emotional Recovery after Cancer. Check it out:
