Do you get frustrated with physical changes or limitations after treatment for cancer?
Do “limitations” leave you feeling diminished?
As humans, we all face physical limitations related to being mortal and facing our own mortality is a realization that brings all kinds of feelings – fear, grief, anger, denial, acceptance. But just as we must face certain limitations related to our human existence, there is also the potential for limitless possibility.
How do we move through the world and keep taking action once we are so aware of our limitations, vulnerabilities and imperfections?
“The first way that I think about it is through my public health work. It’s about the idea that we’re all so incredibly limited and yet there are ways that we string together and are almost unlimited as groups of people. It’s magic when that happens- when you all start pulling together and then you eradicate polio from the world, which we’re almost on the verge of doing.”
I love this wisdom from Dr. Atul Gawande where he describes how connection and community create a synergistic effect that give us the feeling of growth and possibility, where creativity and new ideas emerge, and where we keep each other motivated and accountable to our missions in life. This is when the seemingly impossible can happen. The point here is that as humans we are are all indeed imperfect, limited and uncertain of the future. When we lack connection we feel alone and more limited, but among a healthy community, we can help each other grow, expand, and heal.
In my Healing Well Course, we explore Principle #4: Finding the Gifts in Limitations. For some people, the cancer experience is the first time you find you can’t push past your limitations caused by illness or treatments. You are given an unavoidable opportunity to discover the potential gifts of limitations. How can you work with your limitations to benefit and even enhance your life? Are there family or friends with whom you need to practice setting healthy limits to prioritize your own healing?
For deeper healing to happen, to push beyond our limitations, I believe community is essential! I’m leading a free 40 day meditation challenge, a challenge by CHOICE and INSPIRATION, NOT obligation. You can participate as much or as little as you like and start anytime. Doing meditation in a supportive community and also taking the Healing Well Course are great ways to move beyond real and perceive limitations created by the “new normal.” I hope you’ll join us in the free 40 day meditation challenge here.
“You have given me the strength to carry on and find happiness and light.” Suzanne Cowper
Sometimes people ask me why I want to work with cancer survivors. They wonder why it doesn’t bring me down. It may seem strange, but I usually have the opposite feeling from my work with people faced with cancer or those who have been through treatment.
I generally feel so uplifted and encouraged by the strength of the human spirit, the poignancy, the depth and the humanness we all share. I also like being with people who can deeply understand what it’s like to consciously face their own mortality and carry on, even while living a day to day existence. I get to see people experience the whole range of normal human emotions– the
shock, the fear, the anger, the ecstatic experience of the present moment, the appreciation and gratitude for the gift of life and their blessings. I get to see immense courage which always includes such touching vulnerability.
All these experiences that people have, they bring with them to the yoga mat and to counseling sessions and I get to be inspired by their courage and touched by their vulnerability. I’m deeply moved by the common humanity we share and the different stages of emotional shock, anger, fear, gratitude and wonder we all experience. I get to witness and share in people’s moments of awareness and healing no matter what is happening with the cancer in their bodies.
I had a friend who came with me often to chemo. Her prayer with me as we would begin the treatments was “Thank you for this breath. Thank you for this moment.” I hold this with me today as the highest prayer, simply to be present and aware and show gratitude for this moment, right here, right now. True healing is not the same as cure. Cure is something else. To me, healing is about coming in to reality and accepting it while maintaining appreciation of the gift of this present moment.
When faced with a life-threatening illness which draws you into a confrontation with your own physical vulnerability and mortality, your system is awakened. First, you are in shock, but then you remain very alert. You are alert to your fear, the side effects, ideas of the future, the urgency to take action, your desire to protect loved ones. More than ever, you have the opportunity to be very alert and sensitive to what is most important.
I want to be around people who have been awakened. I want to surround myself with those who, even though they would not have chosen this path, are using this path to connect to their own hearts and pulse of life. The people I’m drawn to are those who have the undeniable strength to carry on, seek happiness and light even when rummaging around in the darkness of difficult moments.
So many people have reached out to me during my husband’s illness with love, encouragement and deep understanding. They have shared their own experiences of surgery and treatment with great advice and deep empathy for my husband and me. I learn so much from the Joybooters who come to my classes and groups. I get as much energy as I give and learn at least as much as I teach from the brilliant minds and warm hearts I am connected to.
Learning that you or a loved one has cancer is a shock. Most survivors measure their lives as before and after cancer, often commemorating the day of diagnosis as their “cancerversary,” the day their lives changed forever.
The word cancer itself, until very recently, was whispered and avoided for the fear it could inspire.
People who were very ill were sometimes not even told their diagnosis for fear that
the truth would create unbearable emotional distress.
What does emotional shock look like? It can vary:
Difficulty concentrating
Memory lapses
Confusion
Feeling shut down or numb
Inability to function
Fear, anger, difficulty controlling emotions
Feelings of helplessness
Feeling outside of your body
Difficulty remaining in the present moment
Laughing, crying, screaming
Being in denial and moving along as though nothing has happened.
At a moment when you most need to be clearminded in order to make complicated decisions on treatment, you may feel foggy, overwhelmed or emotionally disregulated.
It’s a challenge, but this is the time to get grounded.
Getting grounded means taking measures to feel connected to your body, your breath and the present moment.
In a moment of overwhelm, here’s what I recommend for getting grounded:
Rely on your community – start talking and sharing what you feel with safe people. Do not try to go it alone if you can connect with others. Get and give hugs and healthy touch (try a massage!).
If you don’t have much social support at diagnosis, reach out immediately for support groups in person and online. Find spaces that are encouraging and uplifting at this point in the process.
Do practices for connecting to your body and breath , and through your body to the earth and nature. Walking, running, swimming, meditation, yoga, connecting to pets or children.
Is interrupting always rude? Raised in Texas to have good manners, I learned never to interrupt, to be a good listener and to make a lot of space for others.
But having survived cancer and hit the half century mark, I’m starting to think differently about interrupting.
Particularly when it’s in the service of my mental, physical and emotional health.
If you are like me, it’s easy to operate on automatic pilot, attending to the same tasks, driving to the same places, cooking the same meals, distracting yourself in the same ways, listening to the same people, even thinking the same thoughts.
Do you have any thoughts that are repeated over and over? How are they serving you?
Cancer and other difficult situations can shock you right out of your everyday illusions, waking you to appreciate what you have taken for granted, challenging you to deepen your awareness of the present moment.
Difficulties and tragedies awaken your ability to more clearly see the patterns in your life and make different choices.
What are the patterns to interrupt? For example, our pattern of shallow breathing which reinforces anxiety, ruminating negative thoughts about the past or future, restricted range of movement, repressing emotions, making others comfortable at your own expense, isolating yourself, and ignoring your own intuition.
I love to teach yoga and meditation, breathwork and mantra as tools that disrupt the status quo inside of you.
These practices create a space outside your normal pattern, even if for just a moment. It is in these moments that you begin to observe your patterns. By becoming the observer, over time, you are able to choose different habits of movement, thinking and breathing. And meanwhile you are experiencing moments of greater calm and openness.
These moments have a cumulative effect and over time can strengthen and stabilize your mind and energy.
You don’t have to only behave according to the cultural customs you learned. As long as you are alive, you can try new things if you can momentarily disrupt how things have always been.
After you have cancer, you begin to re-think your priorities in life.
Which relationships are most important? How do you want to spend your free time? What has been left undone?
What must you say “no” to in order to say “yes” to what really matters?
You may have some physical limitations: fatigue, pain, insomnia, other side effects. You may be dealing with “chemobrain” or struggling with anxiety or depression. Making adjustments so that you can get through each day.
After cancer, I became adept at looking through my weekly calendar and crossing out non-essential activities in order to have more unscheduled down time.
Because: first things first. I need time to just “be” and not feel constantly rushed.
What will enable you to live and enjoy the best life you can? It’s a good question for everyone to ask themselves, cancer or not.
Recently, Michelle came to our weekly yoga class and shared that she was feeling well enough to get a part time job. She was very excited for the new opportunity. But, she announced, she’d taken the job on one condition. She told her boss up front that every Wednesday she had to have a little extra time for her lunch hour so she could go to yoga class. Because she’s determined to prioritize her health and emotional well being and the weekly yoga helps her do so.
First things first.
Where can you set limits in your life this week to protect your energy and free up valuable moments of your life?
I think of a safe place, where I am welcome exactly as I am. No need for performance. I can set down my burdens and extend my legs and catch my breath.
I notice what’s happening around me because for just a moment, I can let down my guard. No need to scan for danger.
I think of entering an ancient space, with cool walls and floor and with a cozy place to lie down. I think of a community sanctioned spot, a chapel, a temple, a park, or a safe house, a friend who is always home and has something cooking.
I know the people in the sanctuary are holding a space for me and devoted to a higher consciousness than we what I live in during much of life. I know the space is one that was created for safety and for aligning with a Higher purpose that includes compassion for the human experience and reverence for the sacredness in each of us.
I have the image of grandmothers taking me in, washing my brow and comforting me, caring for my wounds. Protecting me. A place to go when no one else understands. Here, they hold space for me to love myself again. Here, I surrender the need to know what the future holds and the notion that I must be in control.
Instead, I rest in a space of openness- to learn, rest, heal, care, and be.
Do you ever feel like you are losing yourself by being overly focused on what others want from you?
How do you remember to take a breath, feel grounded in the present moment, and act from your most authentic self?
Mantra, it’s sound and meaning, can be an easy and effective tool.
Sat Nam is a mantra from kundalini yoga practice which translates as True Self or Truth is my Identity. I say this to myself several times a day to direct my mind to focus on what is essential in this moment.
Inhaling, I think Sat. Exhaling, I think Nam.
When I meet a new client, speak to my daughter’s teacher, connect with a friend, bring up a difficulty with my husband, I remind myself to focus on the Higher Truth of this moment, which I can enjoy more if I feel grounded and compassionate towards myself and others.
Sat Nam reminds me that I’m not in control of the behavior of others.
Feeling grounded and connected to your sense of Self is an important concept for everyone, but can be especially useful to cancer survivors. To continue prioritizing your own healing, you have to be willing to put your own physical and emotional needs NEAR the top of your list if not at the very top!
I often hear from clients and yoga students that Sat Nam is a practice they carry with them.
Jennifer shared that she says it to herself as she swims laps, moving in the rhythm of her backstroke, creating her own meditation in the pool.
Leslie reminds herself of Sat Nam as she goes through medical procedures and has to keep still. It’s a relaxing mental focus and reminds her of the wellbeing, feeling grounded, and self acceptance she experiences after yoga class.
Anna has always been shy and reluctant to assert herself with her husband and family members, preferring peace (or at least no conflict) to talking about her needs, ideas, and opinions. But at what cost to her? After her experience with cancer, she decided to make some changes. Recently she has begun taking a deep breath, thinking Sat Nam, and then taking the “scary risk” to speak her mind more often. She’s been shocked at the willingness of others to listen and care about what she needs.
Sat Nam reminds you of the path of assertion and healthy boundaries.
Mantra is a tool to cut through automatic thoughts and momentarily choose a neutral mindset that is non judgmental and open to possibilities.
My teacher Dr. Gurucharan Khalsa said, “Everything in the world makes a sound. The question is: Who is in charge of the sound?”
When you recite mantra, you vibrate the sound of your own voice in the present moment. When you speak your truth and assert yourself, your voice has an impact.
Ancient sound technology in the form of mantra in Sanskrit or Gurmukhi, has many benefits:
Stimulates the vagus nerve to help you relax.
Helps your mind focus on an uplifting message.
Your tongue touches meridian points in the upper palate which correspond to the brain and glandular system and create a state of emotional wellbeing.
Activates the frontal lobe of the brain which controls emotional stability, executive functioning, and compassion for yourself and others.
The vibration itself creates chemical changes in the brain which help the body and mind feel peaceful and even blissful.
From a spiritual perspective, chanting helps you align with the Divine in yourself and in the universe.
Interrupts the negative thoughts or worries that may be on “auto-pilot” and transforms your state of mind.
For people with PTSD, high anxiety or a trauma history, meditating with mantra can be an easier way to practice meditation because it gives your mind something to focus on and interrupts negative cycles of thinking.
Studies show that mantra meditation can help lower inflammation in the body (Kirtan Kriya, UCLA Study)
Can improve memory, sleep, and symptoms of depression and anxiety.
The ancient sages describe Mantra as a seed, which when ripe, flowers the Divine within you.
People are so afraid of their anger. They don’t want to feel it, aren’t sure how to express it and in my experience working with cancer survivors, they sure as hell don’t want others to know they have it.
Someone else might feel uncomfortable. Or start lecturing them that having anger is the reason they got diagnosed with cancer. As though anger were not a normal part of the human experience.
Let me tell you a little secret about anger, once you learn to feel it and express it in ways that are safe and healthy, you can clear out so much space inside. You get access to energy you didn’t know you had.
You may even end up making changes, setting limits or asserting yourself in important ways.
And…the space that’s created may end up being filled with a feeling of aliveness, connection to others, and even the joy and gratitude we are always hoping for.
Unafraid. It’s what cancer survivors long to feel.
What would your days and nights be like if you felt unafraid?
Unfortunately, fear of recurrence is one of the most common, distressing and least addressed side effects of having cancer.
This was the result of a recent survey I conducted of the cancer survivors in my JoyBoots community.
Think of it. For all the grueling treatments, invasive procedures, damage to the body, and let’s face it, real physical pain, psychological suffering and emotional fallout are the most distressing.
Does this surprise you?
I’ve been tracking this fear within myself for the past 10 years and seeing it in my cancer survivor clients.
Here are a few heartfelt expressions of the fear of recurrence:
How do I quiet the circular thinking of “the better I feel, the less I trust my body not to betray me again?” How do I keep perspective?
How can I feel safe in my body and in my life?
How do I get past my panic, especially in middle of night, which prevents sleep, which affects my health?
How do I face the possibility of not being there for my children?
So what can help people “live well with uncertainty?”
In my experience, living well with uncertainty means pulling yourself back into this present moment and appreciating the NOW. And it also lies in surrendering the notion that you can control the future. The future will be here soon enough – what you have now is this moment. What are you going to do with it?
Living well also means rebuilding your physical and emotional energy. Being motivated to stay in the game.
And I believe there is an emotional cure in company. Company who listen, understand, and join you when you are in a dark place, so you don’t feel so alone with the universal fear of mortality that cancer brings into sharp focus. In fact, in company, you may temporarily experience that feeling you long for of being Unafraid.
Hundreds of blood red spikes poke out of the white marble head and chest of a statue of a woman. This replica of a Roman statue, a “wounded amazon,” sits in a public art space on the street in NYC.
The placement of the spikes is no accident. They are arranged precisely where women who have had breast cancer surgery are cut and feel residual sensation, discomfort, and pain.
Even as I sit in the cool library and type these words, I can feel sensation a few inches to the right of my left shoulder blade, old discomfort from the left breast mastectomy I had 10 years ago.
The sculpture of the woman is enormous. The pain I see in her eyes is haunting. And so familiar, from looking into the faces of women I work with and from looking in the mirror at myself.
People are walking around the statue, many without a second look. Some glance her way, recognizing something unusual, but it’s hot outside and they are busy. Couples hold hands and laugh. The taxi driver has pulled his van over and parked right in front of her, waiting impatiently for the group he is collecting to come outside.
Her pain is enormous and she is in plain sight, yet the world swirls and moves forward without her. Her agony is her own.
This piece of art was created by artist Prune Nourry, age 33, who recently underwent treatment for breast cancer. It is called The Amazon and is modeled after the life sized marble statue of a wounded amazon at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Nourry referred to it as a “catharsis sculpture.” She decided to extend the timeline of the project recognizing that “healing is a long process.”
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The definition of catharsis is “the process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions.”
Identifying and then expressing the thoughts, emotions and sensations you feel are also the first steps in emotional recovery from the trauma of having cancer.
So why is it so hard to acknowledge the impact that cancer has had on you?
There’s pain, both physical and emotional that you are trying to avoid by pretending it doesn’t exist. And then there’s shame at having pain, at not bouncing back more quickly, at needing time to recover, instead of being an invincible warrior.
But even the Amazon warrior, as this piece demonstrates, can be wounded. And even she needs to be seen, understood, and given time to heal.
